My favorite paralegal

my second bitter thoughts for the day

my favorite paralegal

  

so there you are.

On the wedding day, next to my bride.

You smiled, you laughed.

Behind it all, were you really happy?

I saw the jealousy in your eyes all night.

You were determined that night, that you were going to do everything in your power to break us apart.

Congratu-fuckin-lations.

You did it.

My bride of that night isn’t sure of her decisions.

She took me by you, the first night we went out for your approval.

Your approval?

Have you ever gone on a date without fucking that guy?

You’re an easy lay for every guy in town.

Any decent guy woudln't touch you with Mike Tyson's dick.

My wife looking to you for advise, what a joke that was.

We actually became friends.

We emailed several times a day.

You knew my concerns.

I knew yours.

I considered you as a friend.  Someone that can understand the side of me that my wife couldn’t.

But when our boat started to rock, you distanced yourself from me.

You saw it as your chance.

Fuck being there for your friend.

You’ve never been anywhere for anyone else but you.

Those who know you the best treat you like a roach.

Ever wonder why?

Yeah, even my wife saw you as a parasite, when you demanded childish attention at your wedding.

What a joke that was.

You and your fat Brett Favre wanna be kid husband.

You’re now not happy with him why?

Did he ever change?

No, your expectation did.

You have no leg to stand on.

You have no beliefs.  You go with everything he says.

I never thought you’d be wearing green bay packer jersey.

That is you.

If I had your job, and my best friend comes to me to hire me for divorce, I would never, ever even dream of taking the job.

It’s called conscience.

It’s something you just don’t do.

Out of respect of friendship between me and you, you don’t do it.

Just weeks before, I was building a computer for you, so your files will be safe.

Yeah, I was gonna do that for you.

Your machine is actually built and still sitting in my room.

I considered you a friend.

There you are, on the other side of the phone conversation.

I was angry at wifie.  She ignored me and chatting on the phone with you.

My voice raised, you called the cops.

You saw it as perfect chance to put something in the files to use against me.

Your loser husband hits you.   I don’t.

i hear the cops... 'did he hit you?'  she says softly, 'no'

he asks her, 'did he threaten you?'  again, softly, 'no'.

i hear the cops talk on their way out.

'when i took this job, i didn't think i'd be on a call to refree an argument'

I never raised my voice on my wife of five years, once.

And one time i do, and it wasn't even that loud, she freaks and calls you and you call the cops.

grow up.

Let me ask you this.

How the fuck do you sleep at night?

Was your raging jealousy that great that you had to guarantee our divorce?

Oh yeah, it’s happening.

There’s nothing she can do at this point for it to not happen.

i'm gonna do this, mainly because my wife is an idiot.

I’ve cleared my hurdle.

All I know is this.

You all deserve each other.

Every time you get hit by your husband, think about this.

I was 100X the husband to my wife as your husband.

When I’m being caressed by my real true love in the future,

You two will be scamming bars, looking to get laid by couple of losers.

And when you wake up with used condoms all over your room alone,

Look into the mirror.

You never liked what you saw.

On your death bed, which by the way doesn’t look very far, judging by your AIDS written face, think about this.

You not only ruined your pathetic life, you’ve ruined your best friend’s.

most people in misery are only happy when they pull someone else down to their level.

But I thank you for giving me the chance to experience what the real love is.

It may be in the future, but I feel it budding.

Without you, I would never have felt that.

Look again to that mirror.

Scary, isn’t it?